APROPOS OF NOTHING: THE SUBSTANCE (SAGITTARIUS) AND WICKED (GEMINI)

Welcome to our Academy Awards Best Picture series — APROPOS OF NOTHING: CVG DOES THE OSCARS.

In this series, we’re dissecting all ten best picture nominees from a Cosmic Valley Girl perspective. We’ll pull the astrological natal charts of each film to help us understand what the hell is going on under the surface of some of these movies… but more importantly, to see if we can predict who the Best Pic winner will be.

And just to make things slightly more confusing, we're pairing Best Picture nominees based on their astrological sister signs.

First up: Wicked (bringing Gemini energy) and The Substance (serving Sagittarius vibes).

Both films clock in at an absolutely punishing 3+ hours (bring back the tight 90, we beg), and while they're wildly different genre-wise, there's some fascinating thematic DNA around duality, transformation, and women's relationships with their bodies/image that makes these films a v interesting pairing.

The Substance is doing the most with its practical effects and meta-commentary around Demi Moore's own public journey with plastic surgery. But despite the genuinely creepy body horror and a powerhouse performance from our girl Demi, it ultimately feels like an overlong exercise in beating us over the head with commentary about beauty standards and aging. We gettttttttt it — we live in a society! But we wanted more world-building around the dystopian beauty industry and less Margaret Qualley being hot and mean, as fun as it was.

Meanwhile, Wicked delivers some truly stunning vocal performances from Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande (when they're not doing that creepy little pinky-holding thing in press tours), but struggles to bring its magical world to life despite impressive practical effects and zero AI usage (a sad rarity among this year's nominees). Between the CGI-esque lighting and stretched runtime... tough stuff.

Neither film is likely to take home Best Picture, though The Substance's chart suggests it could surprise in some technical categories and potentially Best Actress for Demi Moore. Wicked, despite its box office success, may face a complete shutout. Don’t shoot the messenger — we’re just picking up what the natal charts are throwing down.

Currently ranking these at the bottom of of Best Picture list, with Wicked at #10 and The Substance at #9. Stay tuned as we work our way through the remaining nominees — next week we're tackling the Cancer/Capricorn pair Anora and Conclave.

COSMIC VALLEY GIRL BEST PICTURE RANKING

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9. The Substance (Sagittarius)

10. Wicked (Gemini)