Welcome to our Academy Awards Best Picture series — APROPOS OF NOTHING: CVG DOES THE OSCARS.
In this series, we’re dissecting all ten best picture nominees from a Cosmic Valley Girl perspective. We’ll pull the astrological natal charts of each film to help us understand what the hell is going on under the surface of some of these movies… but more importantly, to see if we can predict who the Best Pic winner will be.
And just to make things slightly more confusing, we're pairing Best Picture nominees based on their astrological sister signs.
Our first episode was on The Substance and Wicked.
This week, we’re taking a look at Conclave (Capricorn) and Anora (Cancer).
Anora and Conclave gave us the cinematic redemption arc we desperately needed after last week's nominees. While wildly different in setting (Brighton Beach strip clubs vs literal Vatican City), both films share a delicious obsession with power, transformation, and the various ways humans try to find meaning in an increasingly chaotic world.
Anora serves us peak Sean Baker excellence with a story that plays ping pongs with your feelings — one minute you’re kicking your feet with slapstick glee, the next you’re blinded by the bleak tragedy of existence. Mikey Madison delivers a “career-making” performance as a stripper/sex worker/23-yr-old whose attempt to settle down with a barely cogent Russian oligarch’s partying young son goes precisely as well as you'd expect. The home invasion sequence alone should secure Baker the Best Director nom, giving us choreographed chaos that feels like trying to wrestle a toddler into their car seat (iykyk).
Meanwhile, Conclave said "what if we made a whodunit but make it Vatican?" and honestly... slay. Stanley Tucci leads an ensemble cast serving camp excellence as they navigate papal politics with their iPhones in one hand and ancient ceremonial robes in the other. The film somehow manages to both critique and celebrate Catholic pageantry while asking the eternal question: what if the next Pope served absolute cunt?
After last week's slog through mediocrity, Anora and Conclave blessed us with some seriously juicy astrological action. Chart-wise, both films are giving major Cancer-Capricorn axis energy (daddy issues? In THIS economy?).
Anora's chart is serving pure Venus fantasy with a Libra sun/Taurus moon combo that screams "I will absolutely marry this Russian oligarch's failson for the money, and what about it?" The Mercury-Moon opposition in Scorpio/Taurus tells us everything we need to know about our girl's tendency to talk shit first, think later (relatable). With Venus newly ingressed into Sagittarius, there's a distinctly lucky, party-girl energy that perfectly captures the film's first-act highs before reality comes crashing down harder than your first Saturn return.
Meanwhile, Conclave is practically dripping in Scorpio placements (as any good Vatican thriller should be), with both Sun and Mercury in the sign of secrets and power plays. The Leo moon adds that essential touch of drama – because if you're going to elect a new Pope, you might as well do it with flair. The standout aspect is that Mars-Neptune trine, with Mars in Cancer whispering sweet nothings to Neptune in Pisces about power, illusion, and possibly murder??? Hot.
In terms of Oscar predictions, Anora's luscious chart suggests she could be our dark horse Best Picture contender now that Emilia Perez is busy teaching us all valuable lessons about tweet deletion. Conclave might have to settle for technical awards, but with that Leo moon, you know it'll serve looks doing it.
We're ranking them #1 and #2 respectively in our current Best Picture rankings, miles ahead of The Substance (#9) and Wicked (#10). Both films scored a perfect 22 on our CVG scale, which just feels correct!
Next week: Emilia Perez and I'm Still Here — the cosmos are already screaming.
COSMIC VALLEY GIRL BEST PICTURE RANKING
Anora (Cancer)
Conclave (Capricorn)
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The Substance (Sagittarius)
Wicked (Gemini)
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